


This Time Around

by AutisticWriter



Series: Autistic Headcanons [81]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Abuse, Agender First Doctor, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Doctor (Doctor Who), Background Ben Jackson/Polly Wright, Bigender Character, Bigender Sixth Doctor, Canon Dialogue, Confusion, Crying, Dark, Dyspraxia, Dyspraxic Second Doctor, Dyspraxic Seventh Doctor, Fear, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Touching, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Third Doctor, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Second Doctor, Gendervague Character, Gendervague Seventh Doctor, Gift Fic, Guilt, Heavy Angst, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Loss, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Mental Instability, Multiple Doctors (Doctor Who), Neurodivergent Doctor, Neurodiversity, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Fourth Doctor, Nonverbal Communication, One Shot Collection, Post Regeneration, Post-Serial: s029 The Tenth Planet, Psychosis, Queer Themes, Regeneration, Research, Reunions, Sad Ending, Self-Discovery, Serial: s030 The Power of the Daleks, Serial: s051 Spearhead From Space, Serial: s075 Robot, Serial: s116: Castrovalva, Serial: s136 The Twin Dilemma, Serial: s144: Time and the Rani, Sign Language, Stim Toys, Stimming, Team TARDIS, The Fourth Doctor Has ADHD, Trans Fifth Doctor, Trans Male Character, Trust Issues, Violence, one shots, sensory issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 03:18:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11820129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: When a Time Lord regenerates, their body and mind goes a lot of changes. And when that Time Lord is autistic, the changes can be a lot more obvious.A collection of stories in which the Doctor adapts to their new body and their new identities post-regeneration.





	1. Two

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wiggles91](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wiggles91/gifts).



> For Wiggles91, who requested a story about the Doctor adapting to his new body and how his autistic traits change post-regeneration. I hope you like it!

When the Doctor opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is the ceiling of his TARDIS. The second thing he sees is a pair of young humans, standing staring at him several paces away. He wonders why he is lying down. He wonders who the young humans are, and why they look so confused. He wonders why he feels so tired.

His hair feels different, flopping against his forehead when it should be slicked back across his head. His clothes feel awkward on his frame, as though they aren’t built for his body shape or height. To be honest, his whole body feels different, and he has no idea why.

What has happened to him? What is going on? He recognises the ceiling of the TARDIS, but he doesn’t know how he ended up lying on the floor staring up at it. And he certainly doesn’t recognise the two young humans or understand why his body feels weird and different.

“His eyes are open,” the young man says, and his accent is familiar.

“What should we do?” asks the young woman, her voice familiar too.

He is sure he knows them, but from where? And what are they doing inside his TARDIS?

He aches so much, but he also feels oddly energised, as though he has recovered from an illness and now has lots of energy.

“Is it them?” the young woman asks.

The young man shrugs. “I don’t know. They were right there... and then... this happened.”

 _Them_ , the Doctor thinks, wondering why they are referring to him with gender neutral pronouns. Maybe they can’t tell his gender and are using those pronouns to be less offensive. He doesn’t know what his gender is, but he/him pronouns seem to sound right. At least, they do in his head.

The young woman grasps the young man’s arm, and then steps closer to the Doctor. He thinks she looks anxious, and wonders why she is scared.

“Doctor?” she says, looking straight at him. “Is that you?”

The Doctor tries to move his face into a smile, but he is sure the expression comes out as more of a warped grimace. He doesn’t know what’s going on with his speech, but he can’t seem to form words. Maybe he has gone nonverbal. Maybe he had a meltdown and fainted. Maybe he now has amnesia, and that’s why he doesn’t know who they both are.

He just hopes they know sign language. His hands feel awkward and heavy, but he manages to lift them off of the cold floor and hold them above his chest. And he lets his fingers move as he signs, _Yes. Who are you?_

The two humans look at each other, and the Doctor can’t read their expressions.

“Are you really the Doctor?” the young woman asks, moving closer.

 _Yes_ , the Doctor signs again. _Who are you?_

“It’s Ben and Polly,” the young man says, and the Doctor feels as though someone has just flicked a switch inside his brain.

Ben and Polly. Ben and Polly! He remembers them. A memory flows through the fog inside his mind: he remembers being so tired and weak and everything feeling slow, and leaving a group of humans alone after some business with evil aliens trying to destroy the Earth (he believes they were Cybermen, and thinking about them still makes him a bit anxious; after all, they were terrifying to look at), and then walking out into a blizzard and having to lean against Ben and Polly to keep upright and them looking so scared even though the Doctor wasn’t scared. And then the Doctor collapsed on the floor of the TARDIS... and he can’t remember anything after that until he woke up just now.

But he remembers Ben and Polly, his human companions. He knows who they are... so why are they scared of him?

“You look different,” Polly says.

_How?_

“You’ve... changed,” Ben says.

He’s changed? How has be changed? Do they mean his physical appearance is different? Because that could only happen if...

Now he understands! He must have regenerated. And that is why he has never felt like this before: because he has never regenerated before. No wonder he feels so weird; regeneration is supposed to make you feel rather bizarre, if not ill. He must look drastically different, if Ben and Polly are struggling to recognise him now. He wonders what he looks like.

 _Mirror_ , he signs. Luckily, Polly understands, and she hands the Doctor a small mirror.

He stares at his reflection, and then he smiles. As confused as he is to see himself looking so different, he has to smile at his new face. His previously white hair is now almost black, flopping across his head with a messy, dishevelled look. His face looks younger, with more colour and less wrinkles. He pulls silly faces, noticing that he seems to have a much more flexible face as well. This is so strange.

Despite feeling exhausted, the Doctor gets to his feet. He can’t seem to track the position of his limbs and he stumbles and has to be steadied by Ben before he falls.

“Careful!” he says, and the Doctor wonders why his limbs feel out of place. Maybe he isn’t stable with his body after the regeneration.

Ben and Polly are still looking at him oddly. Maybe they still don’t realise who he is. He really should have told them about regenerations at some point. Once he feels stable again, Ben lets go of his arm and holds Polly’s hand instead.

The Doctor stumbles across the room, dizzy and unsteady and on the verge of falling, his arms flailing and his feet slapping against the floor. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing; he feels all fuzzy and out of place. The Doctor notices a trunk in the corner of the room, and he wonders if looking at the contents of the trunk might jog his memory in some way. So he wanders towards it and drops to his knees, and he hears Ben and Polly follow him, but they keep a few steps behind him. His hearing seems more sensitive now; he can hear everything much more intensely that he could before.

As he rummages through the trunk, a ring slips from his finger. He disliked the texture anyway, so he doesn’t bother to put it back on. And then he picks up a striped instrument, and seeing the recorder he vaguely remembers owning years ago is oddly comforting. It feels like it might become a comfort object for him. He picks up a weird hat and sticks it on his head, and it makes his reflection look so amusing that he grins, wondering if hats are a favourite thing of his now. There certainly seem to be enough of them in the TARDIS.

And then he heads out of the TARDIS, Ben and Polly hurrying after him. He doesn’t know where he’s going; all he knows is that he has regenerated and he feels clumsy now and everything is different and he likes playing this recorder.

\---

Playing the recorder helps him think. He realises this as he sits in his prison cell, playing tunes he remembers from somewhere, and the music that flows from the recorder is just so soothing. He tries to tune everything else, and just thinks about the music and how he can feel his fingers against the wood and the noise the recorder makes is so... so perfect.

And hearing the music reminds him of something: it is only a fleeting thought, but he thinks of strange music playing from a 1960s Earth hand-held radio. He remembers someone he loved dearly having one and playing the strange tinny music and dancing. And he knows he misses them and they meant so much to him... but he can’t remember their name. And that makes him sad.

\---

When he and Ben and Polly return to the TARDIS after all the horrible business with the Daleks is over, the Doctor likes to think that he has bonded with his companions all over again. They finally seem to believe that he is the Doctor they knew before, and that he isn’t a threat and they are safe with him.

His words have returned, and speech seems easier that it was before he regenerated, as though he doesn’t have to force the words out as much. But the Doctor knows he will still go nonverbal under stress, and is very grateful that he can remember the sign language he obviously learned long ago.

After Ben and Polly have gone to bed (the pair share a bedroom, so they must be a couple; the Doctor vaguely remembers two human companions who might have been teachers, who shared that very bedroom during their travels with him), the Doctor pulls up a chair and starts reading through the TARDIS databank.

He locates a section he had bookmarked: a list of gender identities. He reads the list, noticing cisgender (which Ben and Polly are) before finding agender, a word that triggers more memories. That must have been his previous gender. He keeps reading, wondering if he can find one that fits him post-regeneration (and also wondering if this was how his previous self figured out their own gender, as they wouldn’t have learned about gender on Gallifrey).

He knows some people don’t like labels, but the Doctor knows he has never been one of them. He needs to know what each part of his identity is, and to label it so he understands himself. He isn’t sure why this is, but he knows he has always been this way. Which is why he keeps reading through the list, because he wants to find a label that fits him best now.

Because his gender feels... well, he doesn’t know what it is. He knows he isn’t agender, he knows he isn’t cis and he knows he isn’t transgender. He knows he fits he/him pronouns. He knows... well, he knows his gender is definitely queer. He just doesn’t know how.

And then he sees it.

**Genderqueer**

The word is right there, in bold on the page in the databank. Genderqueer. That seems perfect! It’s a nonbinary gender identity for people who don’t fit in the gender binary. And he knows he could probably call himself nonbinary, but this name just seems to fit better. He remembers feeling like this when his old self discovered that they were agender. It’s so... It’s so exciting! This must be his gender this time around. The Doctor reads the description and looks at the genderqueer pride flag; it’s a lovely flag, and he imagines wearing a genderqueer flag patterend hat. He grins and his hands flap, loving the sense of validation he gets as he reads the word over and over again. Genderqueer.

Satisfied with his new gender identify, the Doctor browses through some more sections of the databank. He does some more reading on autism, refreshing his extensive memory of the developmental disability he obviously still has since he regenerated. He reads about stimming and sensory issues, and makes a mental note that playing the recorder is a new stim and that his sense of hearing is far more sensitive now. He never realised how much the presentation of his autism would change, and it’s rather fascinating when he thinks about it.

He carries on reading, and scrolls through the section of things usually co-morbid with autism. And the Doctor’s clumsy hands flap when he reads about dyspraxia, a developmental disability that affects one’s coordination and fine and gross motor functions. And, knowing that a Time Lord’s neurotype can change during the regeneration process (because your brain get’s scrambled when you regenerate, a Time Lord’s brain develops again during the regeneration, meaning developmental disabilities can occur or disappear), the Doctor realises that he is dyspraxic now as well as autistic.

And when he looks at the clock, the Doctor is impressed to see he has worked out his gender and discovered his dyspraxia in under an hour. He really can be quite productive when he puts his mind to it.

\---

Hours after Ben and Polly, the Doctor heads to bed. He tucks his recorder into his pocket, and his hands flap at his sides, his fingers flicking and tapping and fluttering as he walks. He trips over his feet as he walks, but he’s already getting used to this. This is who he is now, a clumsy genderqueer man with dyspraxia who stims by playing music on his recorder and flailing his hands.

And knowing who he is now he has regenerated makes the Doctor’s hands flap with happiness.


	2. Three

Pain. Confusion. Distortion.

The Doctor doesn’t know what is going on, but they know they don’t understand. They can’t process anything. Something is wrong with their brain, but they have no idea what. They can’t seem to remember anything. Something important was just happening... but they have no idea what it was.

What is happening to them? Where are they? Why can’t they remember anything?

Why do they feel so faint? Why...?

\---

The Doctor wakes up on the floor of the TARDIS. Staring up at the ceiling seems oddly familiar, but they can’t think why. They can’t seem to remember anything. All they know is that they feel sick and their head hurts and their hearts are beating so slowly it’s a wonder they are still conscious.

Their clothes too tight, their limbs too heavy and their whole body swaying, the Doctor forces themself to their feet. They need to find out what is happening. Maybe the TARDIS has crashed.

Nearly fainting as dizziness overwhelms them, the Doctor stumbles through the TARDIS and opens the doors. As their eyes adjust to the light, the Doctor finds themself looking at a heather-filled meadow. It is beautiful, but why are they here?

They take a step forwards, and then fall to the ground, unconscious.

\---

The Doctor awakes in a bed, wearing a horribly scratchy gown that makes their skin hurt. They can barely keep their eyes open, exhausted beyond description as everything aches. Someone has changed their clothes, and moved them. But the Doctor can’t remember any of that happening. Why is their memory malfunctioning?

They can hear people talking, and their voices sound too loud even though they are clearly on the other side of the room.

“This can’t be right,” a man says, and the Doctor wonders why he sounds annoyed. “A man can’t have two hearts.”

“Two hearts?” a woman says, clearly confused.

“Yes, look at the X-ray. He appears to have two hearts.”

“But... but that’s not possible.”

“I know. Radiology must be playing a joke. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Where are you going?”

“To use the telephone. I’m going to give the chaps down in radiology a piece of my mind. This is a hospital, not a joke shop.”

Time Lords have two hearts. Are they talking about the Doctor? Then they must be on Earth, because humans would be very confused about their anatomy. But why are they on Earth? They don’t remember coming to this planet. Although, to be fair, they don’t remember anything. But the Doctor does know one thing: the humans referring to them with ‘he/him’ pronouns makes them feel rather uncomfortable. They don’t know why, but it does.

Confused and very, very tired, the Doctor falls back asleep.

\---

The TARDIS key is in their shoe.

The thought wades its way through the fog inside the Doctor’s brain, and it is suddenly all they can think about. They left the key inside their shoe. They need to find the key, because how else are they going to get back to the TARDIS? They may have no idea where they are, but the Doctor does know that this is not their TARDIS. And they need to find the TARDIS. The TARDIS means stability and safety and normality – and the Doctor wants to feel those things again. So they need to find the TARDIS key – and that means they need to find their shoes.

“Shoes, shoes...” the Doctor mumbles, trying to focus their horribly fuzzy mind on something important. Their voice sounds remarkably different, confirming the Doctor’s suspicions. They have obviously regenerated. Although they feel a lot worse than they did the last time. They wonder what they look like. “Shoes, shoes,” they keep mumbling, noting that they obviously still have echolalia. “Shoes... shoes...”

Now they know they have regenerated, the pronoun issue makes a lot more sense. Because the Doctor’s gender may very well have changed (their memory is extremely poor, but they are sure they remember something about gender changes during regenerations), potentially explaining why he/him pronouns now seem odd to them. When they no longer feel so dreadful, they may try to think about it in more detail.

They poke their sock-covered feet out from under the bed sheets, and realise that their shoes can’t be on their feet. The Doctor still feels dizzy, but they need to find their shoes, so they roll over and dangle their head over the side of the bed.

“Shoes...” they says, still confused to hear their new voice. “Shoes... shoes...”

“What are you doing?” someone cries, and the Doctor recognises them as their nurse.

“Shoes,” the Doctor mumbles, screwing their eyes up as their vision distorts.

“What’s wrong with him?” says their doctor, as the nurse hauls the Doctor back into bed.

“I think he wants his shoes,” the nurse says.

The Doctor nods, and their head spins horribly. “Shoes.”

After a quick conversation the Doctor can’t be bothered to focus on, the nurse opens their bedside locker and holds the Doctor’s shoes out in front of them. “Are these what you want?”

Without saying anything (not that they think they can say any more than ‘shoes’ at the moment), the Doctor snatches their shoes and rolls onto their side, hugging the shoes to their chest. Their action startles the doctor and nurse, but they don’t care. They just want their shoes.

When the medical staff leaves them alone, the Doctor tips their shoes up until the TARDIS key falls out of one of them. It falls onto their open hand, the cool metal feeling pleasant against the Doctor’s clammy skin. They clamp the key between their teeth and hide their shoes under their pillow. And then the Doctor lies down with the key tightly gripped in their hand, falling asleep with their one link to their TARDIS safe in their grasp.

\---

The Doctor is groggy and half asleep when someone grabs their arm and rolls them onto their back. They are about to complain when they recognise their face. It is Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart! The rush of relief the Doctor feels to see someone they recognise is a bit overwhelming, and they manage a weak smile.

But Lethbridge-Stewart isn’t smiling. The Doctor may be missing a social cue, but he thinks that the man looks rather disappointed.

“I... I think I was mistaken,” says the Brigadier, letting go of the Doctor.

“Lethbridge-Stewart,” the Doctor says, and Lethbridge-Stewart looks amazed.

“What did you say? How do you know my name?”

The Doctor closes their eyes, and the Brigadier shakes their shoulder. The action jolts their whole body and their sore head throbs.

“Talk to me!” he says, shaking their shoulder again. “How do you know my name?”

“Please don’t do that,” the nurse says, clearly not impressed. “He’s very unwell.”

They expect Lethbridge-Stewart to shake them again, but he stops. The Doctor hears the Brigadier’s shoes creak as they take a step away from the bed, and they see his eyes widen when they open their own.

“Doctor, is it you?” the Brigadier says, and the Doctor suddenly remembers that they have regenerated (these memory issues are already irritating them).

Lethbridge-Stewart must not have recognised them. But the Doctor hopes that he knows who they are now. The Brigadier steps closer and leans over them again, but the Doctor thinks he looks happy now.

“Doctor?”

The Doctor does their best to smile, still relieved to see someone they remember (even if they don’t remember how or when the pair of them even met). They nod their head, and the pain the action causes turns their smile into a grimace.

“But... you’ve changed,” Lethbridge-Stewart says.

Of course they have. They must look drastically different. But despite how ill they feel, the Doctor feels a bit curious. What do they look like now?

“Yes...” they mumble. “I’ve changed. Mirror?”

They only say one word, but the others obviously understand their request for a mirror. The Brigadier turns around, and a woman with bright ginger hair reaches into her bag and hands in a small mirror. He holds it in front of the Doctor’s face, and they have a look at their new self.

They cannot really remember what they looked like before, but they know they didn’t look like this. Their hair is grey and fluffy, and feels soft when they reach up and run their fingers through it. Their face is more lined, but more flexible, and they are amused to find their eyebrows are so easy to move.

When they finally take their eyes from their reflection, Lethbridge-Stewart is looking at them oddly. And then he smiles a remarkably familiar smile.

“Yes, you’ve changed.”

\---

After their shower in the hospital staff’s wonderful old-fashioned bathroom, the Doctor is faced with finding clothes to wear. As they seem to have a more sensitive sense of touch this time, the Doctor runs their fingers across each item of clothing, selecting them for their texture rather than their appearance.

Once they are dressed, the Doctor realises that they look like they have just stepped out of the Victorian era. But they also don’t care, because these clothes are comfortable and they fit well and the Doctor feels more stable now they have sorted out one aspect of their new identify.

\---

The Doctor has only been driving this ~~stolen~~ borrowed classic car for a few minutes, but they already know they adore this car – and classic cars in general. It is a beautiful car, and the Doctor wonders if the Brigadier will let them keep it, or at least get a very similar car to replace it. Either way, they love this car.

Driving is so calming, especially in an old car like this where one has to change gears and pull all sorts of levers. The wind rustles through their thick hair, and the Doctor feels at peace.

And then they remember what is going on and start thinking properly again. They can think about the car after this threat is over. Which they certainly will; the Doctor plans to think about the car so much it almost certainly becomes a special interest.

\---

They most definitely stim by chewing things. The Doctor notices this after they keep finding pens and pencils and their own fingers in their mouth, chewing them in a distracted sort of way.

In the makeshift lab Lethbridge-Stewart gives them at UNIT HQ, the Doctor chews on a pencil as they study the shell of the ‘meteorite’, trying to discover just what the blasted thing is. It doesn’t take Liz long to notice either.

“Why are you chewing that, Doctor?” she asks. “Are you hungry?”

“No, I’m just chewing,” the Doctor says, about to say ‘stimming’ but stopping themself when they realise Liz won’t know what the word means. They smile. “It helps me focus.”

“I see,” Liz says, but the Doctor thinks she actually doesn’t.

\---

The TARDIS is broken.

The Doctor realises this after they get Liz to steal the key from Lethbridge-Stewart and disappear inside their TARDIS. In the console room, they run their fingers over the controls, thinking about the moment when they woke up staring at the ceiling. Even though they feel slightly guilty about trying to abandon Liz and the Brigadier, the Doctor pulls the lever and tries to dematerialise the TARDIS.

But it doesn’t work, because the TARDIS is broken. The TARDIS shudders and shakes and smokes, and stays where it is. Spluttering and feeling sick, the Doctor finds the source of the problem: the Dematerialisation Circuit is broken. And there is no way that the damage was accidental; it must have been sabotaged.

They can hear Liz and Lethbridge-Stewart banging on the door. The Doctor stumbles to their feet and opens the door, smoke billowing out behind them. They try to bluff their way out of what they have just done, but their hearts aren’t in it. Because all they can think about is the damaged circuit.

When they both leave them alone, the Doctor sits at the desk, leaning their elbows on the table. Pressure seems to sooth them, so they rest a heavy book on their legs, and let themself think. They think about their TARDIS and the Dematerialisation Circuit and how they are stranded here. And then they try to think about who might have caused the damage... and then they feel horribly anxious, because there is only one group of people who could have done such a thing.

It was the Time Lords. So this is why they can’t remember anything! They understand now. The Time Lords erased their memory, broke the TARDIS and dumped them both on Earth. They forced their old self to regenerate (effectively an execution by Gallifreyan standards), and then abandoned them in one time zone on one planet with no idea where they were or what was going on.

The Doctor has never been one for strong emotions (they think), but right now, they hate the Time Lords with all their might. And they don’t even feel ashamed when a few tears dribble down their face.

\---

The pronoun issue is still apparent. The Doctor flinches whenever anyone calls them ‘he’, and it makes their hearts beat faster, anxiety flashing through their body. They still don’t understand why, but being referred to as a man just isn’t right.

Eventually, the Doctor mentions the subject to Liz. Their friend looks puzzled at first, but then they sit down beside the Doctor and let them talk.

“So... so you don’t think you identify as a man?” she asks.

“Well, not right now,” the Doctor says, rubbing a pen between their fingers. “I suppose I could feel like a man at some point in the future, but not right now. Not right now.”

“What about a woman?” Liz says.

The Doctor shakes their head. “No, I’m not a woman.” They sigh. “At least, not right now. I just feel... neutral.”

“So, would you say your gender might change on a regular basis?”

They nod. “Yes, that’s it. I suppose my gender feels... unstable, like it isn’t really anything and could change to something else.”

“I see. Well, I suppose we could say you have a... fluid gender,” Liz says, and her words trigger something in the Doctor’s brain.

They remember sitting in the TARDIS, scrolling through something in the databank. It was a list of gender identities, and one of the words they read stands out in their mind: genderfluid.

“Genderfluid,” they say, and they smile. They lean forwards and grasp Liz’s arms. “Genderfluid, Liz! It’s an actual gender. I remember now. It’s got a gender pride flag and everything.”

Liz smiles too. “So, is that you, then?”

“I think it might very well be,” the Doctor says, tapping the end of their pen against their teeth.

“Genderfluid,” Liz says, trying the word out. “I think it suits you.”

The Doctor gives her shoulder a pat. “So do I, Liz. So do I.”

\---

The Doctor feels sad as they walk around their TARDIS. Even though they are inside the TARDIS, they can’t pretend to themself that they are travelling through space and time. Because the Dematerialisation Circuit is broken and the Time Lords were the ones who broke it and just outside Liz is standing there wondering what the Doctor is doing in here. And they don’t really know themself.

Maybe, when they manage to fix the TARDIS at some point in the future, they can take Liz for a trip. She would like it. At least, they think she would.

They sigh, and let their hands rustle the soft silky fabric of their cloak as they head back out into the lab. Maybe Liz can help them try to remember their past. They smile. It would be nice to remember.


	3. Four

When the Doctor opens his eyes, he finds himself staring up at strip lights. His brain is all fuzzy, but he has distinct memories of waking up staring at the ceiling. But the ceiling in his memories was that of the TARDIS, and this is most certainly not the TARDIS. And those memories of waking in the TARDIS after collapsing and feeling dreadful are linked to one thing: regeneration.

So, as he lies on the floor and squints so the lights don’t hurt his eyes as badly, aching pains flowing through his whole body, the Doctor comes to the conclusion that he has regenerated.

He hears a voice mumbling nonsense, and it takes the Doctor a fair while to realise the voice is his own. But he doesn’t blame himself for not recognising it; after all, a new body means new vocal chords. He isn’t sure what he is saying, or why he is saying it. Although, given how achy and weird his body feels, he doesn’t really understand anything at the moment.

Still, the Doctor forces himself to shut up, and he sits up so suddenly everything lurches and he feels dreadful. He sees a familiar room and his wonderful TARDIS, still stuck looking like a police box. His vision is blurry at the edges and he thinks he might be sick, but the Doctor gets a good look at two people he is certain he knows from somewhere.

And he is about to say something when his vision goes black and he passes out.

\---

When the medical staff are distracted looking at the Doctor’s chest X-ray (he’s amazed that these humans still don’t understand that Time Lords have two hearts), the Doctor manages to escape. He slips out of the sick bay wearing just the scratchy hospital gown someone put on him when he was unconscious, walking on tiptoes so his bare feet don’t make a sound and alert his presence. Because he really doesn’t want them to spot him.

He knows the staff only want to help, but the Doctor hates being cooped up in the sick bay. His gown is scratchy and uncomfortable, and the doctors and nurses kept prodding and poking and talking to him when he just wanted to sleep. Most of the last few hours are a blur, but he feels a lot better now. And being better means he is ready to escape and go and locate the TARDIS.

The Doctor remembers working in a laboratory, and so follows the signs towards a lab as he hurries through UNIT HQ. He hasn’t even seen his reflection yet, but he is certain the UNIT personnel know what he looks like – and they must be looking for him. So the Doctor ducks into doorways and tries to stay unseen (difficult when you’re as tall as him), as though playing a game of hide and seek.

But it works, because he finds the lab he woke up in, and he sees the TARDIS. Seeing his TARDIS makes the Doctor smile, and he starts bouncing on the balls of his feet. He wants to go inside... but then he realises that he doesn’t have the key.

The Doctor looks around the room, but then his concentration dissolves when he notices a mirror. Forgetting about his TARDIS key (the though just seems to get sidetracked and replaced by a different one), the Doctor moves towards the mirror and looks at his reflection.

He nearly laughs, totally bemused by who he sees in the mirror. His fluffy grey hair has been replaced by a huge mass of very curly brown hair, and his mouth seems a lot bigger, giving the impression that he has far more teeth than normal. His face is less lined, and he looks younger; although that is all an illusion, because the Doctor knows he is actually getting older.

Once he gets bored of staring at his reflection, the Doctor gets himself back on track. He needs to find the TARDIS key, and surely it must be around here somewhere. He clicks his fingers by his sides, creeping around the room as his eyes track every corner and crevice.

“Key, key, key,” he mumbles, repeating the word again and again as he scans the room. His TARDIS key must be around here somewhere. “Key, key...”

The Doctor has a sudden memory of pulling a key out of a shoe, and he wonders if he still keeps his TARDIS key in his shoe. And the Doctor grins when he finds a large pair of shoes on the floor by the TARDIS, because they must be his. He tips one up and, sure enough, a key on a long chain lands in the palm of his hand. He feels slightly like he might lose it, so the Doctor puts the chain around his neck and is about to put the key in the lock when...

“Ah, there you are, Doctor,” says Doctor Harry Sullivan, the man in charge of his care in the sick bay.

The Doctor groans. As he feared, Sullivan wants him to return to the sick bay. And, as Sullivan probably feared, the Doctor doesn’t want to. He wants to leave.

“I’m fighting fit!” the Doctor says a bit too loudly, and he karate chops a brick lying on the desk. His body is still acting oddly after the regeneration, so his hand slices straight through the brick. When Harry simply widens his eyes, the Doctor starts running on the spot.

“Careful, Doctor,” Sullivan says, putting his hand on the Doctor’s arm. Reluctantly, the Doctor slows to a stop. “Don’t exert yourself.”

“I’m fine,” the Doctor insists. He grabs Sullivan’s stethoscope and presses it against both sides of his chest. “Hearts beat normal.”

Looking puzzled by his words (they still aren’t used to the two hearts thing), Harry sighs. “I still need you to return to the sick bay, Doctor.”

“You mean the infirmary.”

“No, I mean the sick bay.”

In an attempt to argue with Doctor Sullivan, the Doctor goes rather pedantic, trying to explain the difference between being _a_ doctor and _the Doctor_ , but he thinks he just confuses Harry Sullivan further. His hands flail as he rambles at Sullivan, trying to tell the man that there is nothing wrong with him. True, he feels weak and groggy after his regeneration (but also oddly energised; he feels almost hyperactive, as though he needs to move around even though he actually has little energy left), but the worst of it is over and he just wants to get out of here.

“How can I illustrate my point?” the Doctor mumbles to himself, needing to find some way to prove himself to Doctor Sullivan that he is fit and healthy.

The Doctor scans the room for something useful, and then, as thoughts of skipping ropes fill his mind, he grabs a length of rubber tubing and wraps the ends around his hands. And then the Doctor begins to skip, pulling Doctor Sullivan into his personal space so he also has to jump to stop himself tripping on the skipping rope, and sings a rather morbid skipping rhyme he once heard a group of children sing.

“Mother, mother, I feel sick,  
Send for the Doctor, quick, quick, quick.  
Mother, dear, shall I die?  
Yes my darling, by and by.  
One, two, three, four...”

The Doctor keeps counting, focusing intently on saying the correct numbers as he flicks the rope and keeps in time, jumping again and again. Doctor Sullivan keeps jumping with him, and with his face inches from the Doctor’s, he can clearly see the confusion on his face.

And he waits until Sullivan looks thoroughly disorientated, and then moves quickly, breaking the skipping rhyme. The Doctor opens a cupboard door and shoves Sullivan into it, and then ties his makeshift skipping rope around Sullivan’s ankles and wrists. And then he ties the rope to the inside of the cupboard, smiles at Sullivan and shuts the cupboard door.

As the Doctor rushes into the TARDIS and shuts the doors, he feels a bit bad for shutting Harry Sullivan in the cupboard. But, then again, he was trying to stop the Doctor leaving – and from what he can remember, he has spent so much time on this planet recently that he’s rather sick of the place. Still, he decides that if he ever sees Harry again, he’ll apologise for what he did.

The Doctor rushes around the control panel, and suddenly feels very much in synch with his TARDIS again. He grins as he flicks the dematerialisation switch, and feels the TARDIS vibrate in preparation to dematerialise. The Doctor is a tad amused when his hands start to flap in anticipation of all the adventures he is surely going to have, realising that hand flapping is a stim he never seems to lose when he regenerates.

But then he hears banging on the doors and Sarah Jane Smith yelling at him not to leave, and the Doctor realises that this isn’t going to be as easy as he hoped.

\---

Sarah Jane and the Brigadier eventually manage to persuade the Doctor to stay, but he still hasn’t worked out why. And he still doesn’t really want to stay. So, as he goes back inside the TARDIS to get dressed, the Doctor decides to do something he remembers his old self doing to the Brigadier to get a reaction: winding him up.

The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS three times in succession, wearing ridiculous outfits that even he knows aren’t appropriate to wear in public. He sees the irritated look on the Brigadier’s face and starts laughing. But they both know he wouldn’t really wear these outfits, the Doctor because they are irritating his sensitive skin, and the Brigadier because he obviously knows the Doctor is only messing him about.

After the third time, Lethbridge-Stewart’s facial expression appears to convey something like: _Get on with it, Doctor._

So the Doctor grins and finally chooses some practical clothes. They are a rather bizarre mash up of colours and patterns, but they come together to form a reasonably presentable outfit. He particularly likes the scarf, which is multicoloured and must be over twelve feet long. The Doctor pulls on a pair of sensible shoes, and then tries to locate a mirror.

He spins on the spot, and is momentarily struck by how wonderful the sensation of spinning is. He spins again – focusing on how his new scarf flaps and his curly hair flutters as air rushes through it – and then clicks his fingers together, trying to remember what he was just trying to do.

This forgetfulness is rather bizarre, and the Doctor is certain that it isn’t a symptom of his regeneration. Amnesia is normal, but this isn’t amnesia; he has thoughts in his mind, and then the thoughts sort of drift away, and the Doctor has to think hard to get them back again. And, anyway, he has recovered from the regeneration now, so all of those symptoms should have vanished. Which means his forgetfulness is with him to stay – but what is causing it?

 _Mirror_ , he thinks, and he rushes towards the full-length mirror. The Doctor looks himself up and down, deciding that he looks presentable, if a bit eccentric. That must be what the Brigadier thinks when the Doctor emerges and shows him his outfit, because Lethbridge-Stewart simply nods his head and tells the Doctor to follow him.

\---

It is many hours later when the Doctor finds himself in the TARDIS, both amused and exhausted by the day’s events. He never expected a suspected burglary to turn into a case with a gigantic, if slightly neurotic, robot, but he’s seen lots of strange things in his life.

He snuck away before the Brigadier realised he was gone (he hates goodbyes), but he surprised himself by bringing Sarah and Harry with him. The pair are currently wandering around the TARDIS, Sarah showing Harry her favourite parts, and Harry remarking in disbelief that everything in here has fit inside a police box.

The Doctor sits down on the floor, and rummages through his pockets. They are already full of all sorts of random stuff, and the Doctor has a feeling that he is always going to have pockets full of things. He takes out his paper bag of jelly babies and puts another sweet into his mouth, savouring the sweet, sugary taste. Then he picks up a yoyo, and begins to play with it. It is very fun and rather satisfying for his near-constant need for movement and stimulation, and the Doctor wonders if playing with his yoyo is a new stim of his.

And then he thinks about his need for stimulation, and his poor memory, and his short attention span, and he wonders if he is neurodivergent in another way, just like his second incarnation, who had dyspraxia. Playing with the yoyo with one hand, the Doctor rushes over to the control panel, and scrolls through the databank.

After about half an hour (and getting distracted several times), the Doctor comes to the conclusion that he has ADHD. Which makes sense. And he runs off to tell Sarah and Harry about his discovery.

\---

The Doctor is running maintenance checks on the TARDIS (he isn’t quite sure what changes his old self made to the controls, so doing a check up is an easy way to look at that) when Harry and Sarah approach him.

“Um, Doctor?” Harry says, his tone rather formal. “Can we ask you something?”

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Sarah says, smiling; she obviously picked up on Harry’s tense tone of voice. “We were just wondering if your pronouns are still the same or you want us to change them when we talk to you.”

“Because I remember the speech you— well, the old... the...” Harry trails off, frowning in obvious confusion.

“The you before you regenerated,” Sarah says.

Harry nods. “Yes, that. I remember the speech the previous you did when you... they told us about your... their pronouns and...”

As a rather confused Harry goes red, Sarah smiles. “Have your pronouns changed since your regeneration?”

The Doctor chuckles. “It might have been easier to just say it like that, Harry. But, yeah, I think they’ve changed. From how I’ve felt so far, I think he/him pronouns are the way to go.”

He smiles at his companions, really rather grateful that they have brought up this conversation with him. It’s always easier to talk about gender and pronouns and that sort of thing when the people around you are understanding. Although, speaking of gender...

“But using those pronouns doesn’t mean I’m a man,” he adds, taking his yoyo out of his pocket. “I suppose I fit outside of the gender binary again.”

“Would you say you’re nonbinary then?” Sarah says, obviously remembering that the Doctor finds labels reassuring.

He smiles gratefully and squeezes Sarah’s shoulder. “Yes, I suppose I would.”

The Doctor stands up and grins at Harry and Sarah, his two human companions. “Come on, Harry. Let me and Sarah show you the library. You’ll love it.”

And they all head off through the TARDIS.


	4. Five

He was falling. He was definitely falling. And then he hit the ground and he knew something was happening. His body was damaged. He was going to regenerate. He knows that feeling by now.

And then there were three young people crowded around him… and everything was hazy…

And then he wakes up, and he has no idea what is going on. He feels so ill, his head pounding and his whole body aching, and everything feels foggy and unreal. He wants to lie here forever, drifting in and out of consciousness until he stops feeling so awful—

But he can’t. They can’t stay here. He doesn’t know why or how or anything really, but they can’t stay here. They have to leave. And quickly.

And so the young people who he knows but their names have escaped him grab his arm and haul him to his feet, and the Doctor feels so dizzy and the world lurches and their grip on his arms feels like spikes of pain. His whole body hurts. How far did he fall? Why are they moving him?

Of course, they need to leave!

The young people drag him towards a blue police box that he remembers from somewhere, but all the Doctor really knows is that they are hurrying and his feet are dragging and his body hurts and he needs to rest. There’s a whooshing sound the Doctor recognises and an object fades into thin air, but everything is blurry so he doesn’t know what it is. He thinks he might be sick, but is there anything in his stomach?

They finally make inside the box which he thinks is called a TARDIS for some reason, and the Doctor feels so weak and his legs buckle and he falls to the ground. But he fell much further earlier so it doesn’t really hurt.

He hears his companions cry “Doctor!” and then his vision goes black and he falls unconscious.

\---

When the Doctor wakes up, he feels much better, but also much worse. He can’t have been unconscious for very long; the regeneration obviously is still going on. He keeps his eyes closed, so no one notices that he is conscious.

As always, his body feels different – which it obviously is, because he has just regenerated. He must be shorter, because his clothes feel far too big. His curly explosion of hair has gone, and his hair must be quite thin, because it isn’t annoying his sensitive skin like hair sometimes does. But all of that is normal; after his three previous regenerations, he is used to going through things like this.

But something is different. His body is different. For the first time, he notices from the feeling of his underwear that his genitals are different. And, given how tight his shirt now feels, he must have breasts. Some would say he is a woman, but the Doctor isn’t. For the first time, he feels aligned to a binary gender, but it isn’t the one he has been assigned (humans would call it ‘afab’, or ‘assigned female at birth’, but the Doctor, being a Time Lord, supposes the language would be ‘assigned female at regeneration’). His body feels wrong. Why has he regenerated this way? He isn’t a woman. He’s a man. He feels wrong.

The Doctor wants to worry more about his body, but he feels too tired. Soon, he passes out again.

\---

The Doctor stumbles through the corridors of the TARDIS, leaning against the wall for support. He unravels the huge scarf around his neck and twists the unwound wool around door handles as he passes them. He is being followed by the young man called Adric, but most of his words sound jumbled and intelligible to the Doctor.

He doesn’t know where he is going, or why he is unravelling the scarf. All he knows is that he feels really, really weird and his new body is weird and Adric is sort of annoying him. And a big part of the mess of thoughts in his brain is worrying about his body. Can Adric see his body shape through his clothes? Because he doesn’t want anyone to see. He’s a man. He doesn’t want people to misgender him. Because that is what it’s called, isn’t it, when someone calls you the wrong gender? Either way, he doesn’t want that.

He wonders if he might get lost. After all, the TARDIS is very, very big. But he also doesn’t really care. He just wants to stop feeling so ill. When will the regeneration stop?

\---

As he wanders through the TARDIS, the Doctor finds an outfit that looks just perfect. The TARDIS must have worked out the things he likes before he did. The clothes are quite old-fashioned, with a cricket theme and white trainers. A cricket bat rests on the floor beside the clothing. The Doctor picks it up and gives it a swing. He grins, wondering if cricket might become his new special interest.

A door opens to reveal an entire room full of cricket miscellanea. The Doctor grabs his clothes and rushes inside, staring all around him and the seemingly endless amount of fascinating cricket stuff. It is almost enough to make him forget how ill he feels and his debilitating gender dysphoria (he thinks that is what it’s called). The key word being almost.

But the TARDIS is amazing again. The Doctor tries to avoid looking at his body as he takes off his massive old clothes, the dysphoria getting worse. He flaps his hands in an attempt to calm himself down, and he realises that flapping is a much bigger stim for him this time around. It sort of works, but he feels a lot better when he looks at what his outfit actually contains.

A quick look shows that his underpants come with a packer sewn into a pouch on the front, and he has a binder to wear under his shirt. He puts the binder on, and finds the tight pressure very soothing sensory wise. The clothes fit his body shape too, hiding his curves and helping the Doctor present the way he wants to (masculine).

The TARDIS may not be able to solve the Doctor’s gender dysphoria, but she’s managed to make his situation a lot easier to cope with, especially right now. Incredibly grateful, the Doctor pats the wall as though patting a friend on the shoulder, something he probably wouldn’t have done had he not been struggling with a regeneration. Still, he hopes that the TARDIS understands.

He only looks at his reflection when he is fully dressed. His clothes look amazing, disguising his body shape and making him look how he wants to look. Because he wants to look like a man. Because he is a man. Which means he must be transgender. The word fits. But he wishes his body would.

He studies his face, remembering vague memories of seeing his new face for the first time. His hair is soft and thin and blond, framing his head as opposed to exploding from it like his old mass of hair. He looks younger again, but the regeneration has currently ruined his youthful look: he looks so tired and pale and ill that he could look a lot older. He smiles at himself, and he notices that he has quite a nice smile.

And then he starts to feel wobbly again and has to lie down before he falls.

\---

He can’t remember feeling this bad before. Why is this regeneration so much worse than the others?

Tegan and Nyssa are worried about him, but he doesn’t know how to help any more than they do. After a lot of fuss, the Doctor finds himself sleeping somewhere called a Zero Room and he feels a lot better in here.

He keeps falling asleep, or is he passing out? Either way, he spends a lot of time unconscious, but he feels just as awful when he wakes up.

In the moments when his mind is clearer, the Doctor thinks. He thinks about how he looks now, about how he is clearly trans and how strange it is to align to a binary gender but feel more dysphoria than he can ever remember feeling. He thinks about how weird it is to look young when he is getting older. He thinks about why this regeneration may be worse than the others (but he can’t think of an answer). He thinks about his friends and how good they are to be looking after him. He thinks about how pressure must be one of his stims and that he likes to flap. He thinks about how he obviously doesn’t have ADHD this time around.

He thinks and thinks and thinks. And then he feels dreadful and passes out again.

\---

Castrovalva. He keeps hearing that word.

But he also keeps passing out. As he sort of sleeps and drifts in and out of consciousness, the Doctor hears Tegan and Nyssa rushing around and the TARDIS keeps lurching and he wonders where Adric has gone.

And then Tegan and Nyssa want to take him to Castrovalva, which is a place. But the Doctor can’t move. How is that going to work?

He supposes that they will think of something.

\---

Most of their time in Castrovalva is a blur. The Doctor still feels dreadful, and that means his memory is shocking. At some point, he ends up with a piece of celery pinned to the lapel of his jacket, probably because it might come in handy someday.

He spends a lot of his time sleeping, and the rest wondering why this place seems so weird. He still doesn’t know where Adric is, and he wonders if Tegan and Nyssa are hiding something from him.

When awake, he flaps his hands a lot. But he only does it alone; it makes him uncomfortable to flap when other people can see. From what he can remember, his old self didn’t care about what people thought of him. But this time, the Doctor feels rather bashful. He doesn’t know if he could put up with the stares and comments that he would surely get if he flapped his hands in public. And the Doctor is sure it is actually quite bad to hide his autistic traits, but he can’t help it.

So he only flaps him private and tries not to think about the sort of person he used to be.

\---

Finally, the Doctor starts to feel better. Unfortunately, that happens to be around the time that everything is going wrong and it turns out that the Master is to blame. Of course it was his best enemy who did all of this; who else would?

As he laughs in that evil way he always does and brags about what he has done, the Master looks at the Doctor. He says nothing, but the Doctor knows he is thinking about his new appearance. But the Doctor is more preoccupied with how the man took Adric and that he hadn’t even realised.

So much has happened in the last few hours that the Doctor was too ill to notice. He lost Adric and got him back. Tegan and Nyssa saved them from certain death. The Master masterminded this whole thing. What with his regeneration, the Doctor noticed none of this. But he does now, and he hopes they can get out of this safely.

\---

Thankfully, everyone survives. Adric looks a bit worse for wear and the Master escapes, but they manage to get away safely. The Doctor’s hands flap (but subtly, so they don’t notice) as he and his companions head back to the TARDIS, and he can’t help but comment on how wonky it looks.

“Well, we did land it with no real training,” Nyssa insist, and the Doctor smiles.

“As long as you haven’t broken anything,” he says, and they all look at Adric.

“What?” he says. “I didn’t do anything!”

The Doctor smiles as Adric and Tegan start to bicker, but he also feels a bit anxious. Because the shame of growing up on Gallifrey is kicking in, and he doesn’t know if can tell them about him being trans. He knows they wouldn’t be prejudiced like everyone on his home planet, but he doesn’t want to risk it. It makes him feel bad to hide something from his friends, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He sighs.

When they get back inside the TARDIS, the Doctor hugs Tegan and Nyssa and pats Adric on the shoulder.

“Thank you for caring for me,” he says.

Nyssa blushes and Adric smiles.

“We’re just glad you’re feeling better,” Tegan says, and the Doctor smiles and dematerialises the TARDIS.


	5. Six

Everything feels weird. He faintly remembers seeing people he knew from years ago, their images swirling before him like hallucinations, but he may have been imagining it. All he knows right now is he is lying on the floor in clothes that don’t fit properly and he has a horrible headache.

He slowly sits up. His clothes are dirty and his head hurts worse than ever when he sits up. His chest is tight and it is very difficult to breathe. He looks around the strange room, but he can’t remember where this place is. What has happened to him?

And then he sees someone he remembers from somewhere, a young woman staring at him from across the room. He recognises her, but she doesn’t seem to recognise him. Why?

“Doctor?” she says. “Is that you?”

The Doctor looks down at himself, trying to process what is going on. She must know him from somewhere, but then why doesn’t she recognise him? Just what is going on?

The Doctor forces himself to his feet, despite the headache and the way his legs tremble under his weight. His clothes are ill fitting and uncomfortable. His head is pounding.

“Of course it’s me,” he says. A sudden flash of memory and he can recall her name: she is called Peri. “Peri? Why don’t you recognise me?”

Peri walks closer. “You’ve changed. You… you look different.”

The Doctor frowns. “Changed?” He looks down at his clothes, noting that he is still dressed in the dirty, ill fitting cricket gear. “No I haven’t.”

“Not your clothes, your face!” Peri says.

He stares at her. “What?”

Peri sighs and reaches into his pocket. The Doctor flinches at the invasion of his personal space. He may have liked it before, but now he just wants her to keep her distance. She hands him a small mirror and he looks at himself.

And a compactly different face stares back at him.

Of course!

That is why his voice sounds different, why his clothes don’t fit, and why he feels so unwell. He must have regenerated. No wonder Peri doesn’t recognise him; he probably wouldn’t have recognised himself.

The Doctor studies his reflection, and ends up narrating his thoughts in a slightly pompous tone. But he rather does like his new face, if he says so himself. His nose, his brow, his hair… it all speaks of sophistication and maturity. He finally looks older again; it really didn’t fit for a Time Lord to look so young in his fifth incarnation. But his sixth looks mature again. And he likes it.

He looks at Peri and smiles. She gives him a strange look. What has he done?

\---

He needs a change of clothes. He hates wearing his previous incarnation’s badly fitting, filthy clothes; and he has no interest in cricket, so why wear the gear? Peri still seems wary around him, but she follows the Doctor into the wardrobe room. And she stands to the side as he rummages through his many, many items of clothing, searching for an outfit that suits him.

He flicks through rail after rail of clothes, occasionally finding things that remind him of previous incarnations: a long scarf, a frilly shirt, that sort of thing. And then the Doctor sees it. He has no idea where he once acquired it, but it looks just like the sort of thing he wanted.

He is staring at an amazing, multicoloured jacket, covered in clashing colours and patterns. It looks beautiful, and is oddly calming to look it; maybe his sense of vision is hyposensitve this time around. He runs his fingers across the fabric, and it is wonderful to touch. He feels happy for the first time since he regenerated… and then it all goes wrong.

Sudden panic grips at his already tight chest, and all the Doctor knows is that the universe is wrong and he feels horribly unsafe. As Peri stares at him, he backs into a rail of shirts, hiding between the pieces of fabric. He doesn’t know what he is doing, only that this makes him feel safe and he can’t ever remember this happening to him before. He just feels so… unstable.

\---

The Doctor’s random terror dissipates as fast as it arrived, leaving him feeling very weird to be sat in a bundle of clothes, his hands over his face. He tries to act like nothing has just happened, ignoring the way Peri is looking at him.

Embarrassed and still in pain, the Doctor silently grabs his new outfit and disappears behind the screen. He strips off his old clothes, wishing his hands would stop shaking, and throws them onto the floor.

He removes his vest, only to find another garment covering his chest. It appears to be made of strong elastic, clinging to his chest and providing intense pressure. Despite his current memory problems, the Doctor recognises it as a chest binder. Of course! Because his previous incarnation was transgender, and wore a binder to compress his chest.

No wonder he has been finding it difficult to breathe. After all, this thing was made for someone a bit smaller than him, making it far tighter than it should be. The Doctor wrestles with the binder as he pulls it over his head, amazed to be able to breathe again. When he gets it off, he finds deep red marks where the edges of the binder were digging into his skin. It hurts far more than it probably should.

His underpants cause a similar problem. He is dressed in a pair of striped boxer shorts, but they have something sewn into the pouch in the front. It is a packer, a set of prosthetic genitals. No wonder his trousers were fitting so badly. Because he doesn’t need a packer anymore, and there wasn’t enough room in his underwear.

So the Doctor strips off completely, and chooses new underwear to go with his new clothes. As he pulls on a pair of pink and yellow polka dot Y-fronts, the Doctor finds himself thinking about his gender. Because he obviously isn’t trans this time, but he doesn’t feel cis either. He is a man, but he also feels nonbinary at the same time. Is that a thing?

He wants to have a good think, but he doesn’t feel well enough. So the Doctor simply gets dressed, before pulling on a pair of green shoes. And he emerges from behind the screen, holding his arms out, really rather pleased by his new outfit.

In front of the mirror, the Doctor admires his reflection, loving the combination of colours and patterns that make his outfit unique. And then he looks through a box of badges, pins and brooches, several patterns bringing back more memories of tartan kilts and robot dogs and blue star badges. And then he sees a badge that is just perfect, and he smiles.

The Doctor pins it to the lapel of his jacket, adjusting it to make sure it sits straight. And he smiles again, looking at the reflection of a rather adorable cat badge pinned to the shocking pink of his jacket.

And then Peri ruins it.

“Are you serious?” she says.

“Of course,” the Doctor says, trying to sound like he is bickering with her and not that her words really hurt for some reason.

But Peri hates his outfit and uses the word “yuck” to describe it and the Doctor feels so offended. He walks out of the room, clasping his hand behind his back and tapping them together, irritated.

But he soon gets over what she said. Because, in the end, who cares if she hates it?

After all, he likes his new outfit. And that is all that matters.

\---

Something is wrong. Something is very very wrong. His head feels fuzzy and he has no idea what is going on. Where is he? What is going on? And who is that woman?

She doesn’t look familiar. She must be a spy. Sent to spy on him and report his actions to some dangerous higher power. He is in danger. She is a threat. He must do something.

His movements feel sluggish and his head hurts almost unbearably, but he knows he needs to do something. He needs to kill her before she kills him. And so the Doctor rushes towards her, but she screams and runs away.

But the Doctor catches her. His hands go around her neck and he tries to strangle her. She chokes and screams and the Doctor feels scared yet satisfied at the same time. He pushes her to the floor and pins her down, squeezing her neck so hard she chokes and gasps for breath.

Suddenly, the woman grabs the mirror and dazzles him with the light that reflects off of it. He cries out and lets go of her. Rubbing her neck and looking like she will cry, the woman runs out of the room.

And the Doctor sprawls on the floor. He tries to think about what just happened, but dizziness engulfs him and he passes out.

\---

Peri has to tell him what happened. Realisation hits the Doctor like a hard punch to the stomach, and he wants to be sick. He tried to kill Peri! He can’t believe it. This is his companion, a dear young woman whom his previous incarnation sacrificed his own life to save her. How could he have attacked dear Peri?

“You must be mistaken,” he says, because he isn’t a violent person, so how could he have strangled her?

But Peri looks terrified and tearful and there are red marks on her neck. “I’m not. You tried to strangle me. You were going to kill me.”

She keeps backing away from him, clearly not wanting to get too close in case he hurts her again.

But he won’t hurt her again, surely he won’t.

But, given how he keeps feeling, he honestly can’t guarantee that. And he feels so scared and guilty he wants to be sick.

\---

The Doctor knows that post-regeneration amnesia is normal for Time Lords, but his seems to be different. He can remember his past lives, but small things like the locations of rooms in the TARDIS and Peri’s name keep escaping him.

And is there such a thing as post-regeneration psychosis? Because his brain is so unstable and muddled, and he keeps experiencing delusions that convince him that Peri is a threat or the TARDIS is going to crash or there might be a camera in here, filming him and everything he does. But, if there is such a thing, why has he never heard of it before? And why has it never happened before?

Why is this regeneration going so badly? He is so scared.

\---

He keeps having these fits throughout their ordeal on Titan 3 and beyond, trying to defeat evil and return the kidnapped twins back home. One minute, he feels lucid and sort of in control (as much as you can be when you are regenerating), trying his best to deal with his situation (which he only got himself into during one of the fits when he convinced himself he needed to be a hermit for his and Peri’s safety). But then…

But then he has another of his weird fits that must be caused by the regeneration, and everything goes wrong again. Whether it is mistrusting Peri again or using her as a human shield against attackers or refusing to help a seriously injured man just because he can, the Doctor’s actions go bizarre and terrifying, and no one knows what to do.

And when they are over, guilt hits the Doctor again and again. How can he be acting like this? When will this be over? Or is he going to be unstable like this for the rest of his life?

\---

Finally, finally, finally, the regeneration is over. The weird fits stop, leaving the delusions and weird psychosis that he never experiences again behind, and the Doctor finally feels stable.

For the first time since he regenerated, he feels stable.

But there is one thing that is unstable: his relationship with Peri. He tried to kill her, and Peri, understandably, is still wary around him. And it hurts him a lot to see her looking anxious when he is around, but the Doctor doesn’t mention it. He knows Peri needs time to rebuild her trust in him, and he isn’t going to make it harder than it already is.

So, thanks to his almost ruined friendship with Peri, the Doctor doesn’t talk to her more than necessary. Which means that when he sits in the console room, researching gender identities to try and resolve his issues with his new gender, the Doctor doesn’t ask for Peri’s involvement. He just lets her do her own things, which don’t usually involve him.

But when he has a eureka moment (because he has just read about being bigender, the idea of being two genders at once; so he is male and nonbinary at the same time), the Doctor can’t help but wish he had someone to share this with. So he just bounces his legs up and down and stares at the patterns on his jacket (both new or returning stims) and tries to be happy whilst wishing that he and Peri will be friends again someday.

Because his previous self liked Peri, and he does too. He just has trouble expressing it. And he just hopes Peri will trust him again. Because he cares about her and he feels so sick to know what he tried to do and he just wants to back to how things were before.

But he of all people should know that things never go back to how they were before. And admitting that hurts. It really does.


	6. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up much longer than the others for some reason!

The Doctor awakes slowly, mumbling the name of someone they definitely know from somewhere and opening their eyes to stare at an unfamiliar ceiling. They hear footsteps somewhere, but they don’t turn their head. Everything is hazy and they don’t know what is going on, but that doesn’t stop them sitting up sharply.

They stare around what must be a laboratory and jump down from the table they were lying on (although they have no idea why they were lying on a table), and clap their hands together. As they wander around in clothes that absolutely drown them, the Doctor rambles on about their plans for the near future (which they know from somewhere but can’t remember planning), but then something occurs to them.

“I have just three questions,” they say, their voice sounding Scottish for some reason. “Where am I? Who am I? And who are you?”

And they spin around, pointing a finger at the person who has been in the room all along. And then the panic hits them, because they know who it is.

“The Rani!” they cry. “Stay back!”

The Doctor grabs their multicoloured umbrella (it matches the clothes that are far too big for them) and points it at the Rani, trying to keep her away from them. Because they remember the Rani; they don’t remember much about her, but they know she is bad news.

But the Rani advances on them and the Doctor rushes backwards, only to trip and fall down the steps, tumbling to the ground. They sprawl on the floor, trying to scrabble away from her, but she just sighs.

“This is idiotic,” she says.

The Rani tells them that they will hurt themself, but the Doctor doesn’t calm down. This is the Rani, after all. Why would she care if they did get hurt? She would probably laugh.

They stumble back to their feet and stare around the lab, trying to keep their distance from the Rani. She might hurt them if she gets too close. Her expression is difficult to read, but the Doctor is certain that there is a threatening edge to her smile, and they don’t like it.

The two Time Lords argue as the Doctor keeps a tight grip on their umbrella, knowing that she must be up to something. Their hearts beating too fast, the Doctor knows they need to find out what is going on here. They might be in danger. Mel might be in danger. Speaking of Mel, has the Rani done something to her?

As the Rani explains that this place is on a planet called Lakertya, the Doctor switches on the screen on the table they were just lying on top of, ignoring her attempts to deflect them. The screen shows them an asteroid, one made of strange matter. And the Doctor’s brain may be horribly foggy for some reason, but they know what strange matter is – and what damage it can do as well.

And they look at the Rani, realising that she is indeed up to something. The Doctor’s voice almost snarls as they accuse her of doing something monstrous, but she sounds rather terrifying as she dismisses them and talks about how progress is more important than people’s lives.

The Doctor is horrified. She is just like they remembered. And they have no desire to help with whatever awful things she is planning.

They try to run for it, but they trip on another set of steps, hitting the floor quite hard. Suddenly, there is an alien who seems concerned by their state, but the Rani snaps at her for interfering. But, whilst the Rani and these aliens argue, the Doctor takes their chance.

They jump to their feet (part of them wondering why they are so clumsy) and rush over to a sinister looking gadget. And then the Doctor is shouting that they will smash it with their umbrella, and the Rani is shouting “Urak!” and then—

And then another alien they have never seen before comes trudging into the lab, carrying some sort of weapon. And before they have a chance to fight or even run, it fires the gun. The Doctor gets covered with some weird netting, before their body stops working and they collapse.

\---

They awake in the same laboratory, but they don’t recognise it. They don’t recognise anything. The Doctor’s vision blurs and they struggle to focus their eyes, their tongue flopping about in their mouth as they try to stop their mouth feeling so dry. There is a sharp scratch of pain in their arm and everything hurts and aches and feels weird, their head pounding like with a hangover or a concussion. They feel sick, their limbs are heavy… Basically, they feel awful. And they have no idea why.

The Doctor notices someone across the room, with red hair and a pink and white striped top that looks familiar. They have their back to the Doctor, but they can see the person studying something.

“Who’re you?” they mumble, once again baffled by their accent.

She turns around and smiles. The woman introduces herself as Mel, but the Doctor doesn’t remember a Mel. She seems hurt that they don’t recognise her.

“Don’t you remember me?” Mel says.

The Doctor stares at her, trying to remember this woman who obviously remembers them, even forcing eye contact for a second before it makes them feel sick in an attempt to jog their memories, but none of it works. Not that they have ever been good at recognising faces, but they seem even worse at it this time around. Staring at Mel’s face just draws a blank.

“Red hair,” they say out of nowhere. “I remember red hair.”

The Doctor reaches out to touch her curly red hair, but Mel steps backwards. And then she walks past a mirror and the Doctor looks at the reflection and shrieks at the sudden sight of someone completely unfamiliar.

“Who’s that?!”

“That’s me, Doctor,” Mel says.

“No, the one next to you.”

“That’s you.”

The Doctor stares at their reflection, stunned. Is this really them? They look so different, their hair dark, their facial shape different, and their height drastically shorter. No wonder these clothes are too big for them: they were made for their previous incarnation, who was a lot taller than them.

And then everything fits into place. They have regenerated. They are now in their seventh incarnation.

But they don’t remember any part of the regeneration happening, and they certainly don’t remember Mel or this lab or even this planet. They must have post-regeneration amnesia. And a bad case of it at that.

They wander around the lab, their hands almost completely hidden by their long sleeves and their too-big shoes rubbing their feet uncomfortably, wishing they could remember what was going on. The Doctor notices a piece of tech that is capable of forcing passing aircraft to land, but Mel takes it out of their hands before they can study it further.

And Mel tries to reassure the Doctor, telling them that their memory will probably come back soon, but the Doctor can’t be calmed that easily. They just feel so stressed and tense and confused, and part of them has to wonder why they were ever building this machine in the first place. Because it doesn’t look like the sort of thing someone like them would want to build.

Although the Doctor still isn’t sure what kind of person they are.

\---

For a person the Doctor chose to travel with them, Mel isn’t being very nice to them. She seems determined to keep the Doctor on track with their project, even though they can’t remember what they are doing, never letting them go off on a tangent without being led back to the machine.

And she is quick to hurt them for doing nothing wrong. When the Doctor opens a draw on the big table with a screen, searching for something which might help, Mel slams the draw shut so quickly she clips the ends of their fingers. And the Doctor stares at her as they rub their sore fingertips, their hearts beating a bit too fast, wondering why their friend would hurt them like that.

Mel also doesn’t seem to care what the Doctor says, unless it is directly related to the repair of this machine. At one point, they try to bring up their gender post-regeneration (because their gender seems different this time), but Mel is dismissive and outright snappy with them.

“You know how I’ve changed with the regeneration, Mel?” they say, looking at Mel, who is staring at them from the other side of the room.

“Yes,” Mel mutters, not sounding remotely interested.

The Doctor can’t help but feel a bit offended, but they carry on regardless. “Well I think my gender is different than last time. I don’t know what it is, though. Could we maybe switch to using they/them pronouns for me now?”

And Mel pulls an expression that the Doctor doesn’t understand. But then she smiles, and they can read that sort of nasty smile anywhere.

“Is there any point, Doctor?” she says. “I mean, is it that important in the scheme of things?”

Maybe, if they weren’t feeling so weird, the Doctor might argue back. But there is something threatening about Mel’s smile and their head is foggy with amnesia, so the Doctor just smiles weakly and goes back to fixing the machine. And they just have to hope that misgendering won’t hurt too much, because that would be the last thing they need right now.

\---

As Mel stares at the machine the Doctor has still failed to finish repairing, the Doctor notices something for the first time. On the floor not far from the machine is a pot of weird objects; they must be some sort of tool. But they bear a striking resemblance to spoons. And there is something about seeing the spoons that fills the Doctor with excitement.

They don’t know if it is a long forgotten memory or just a random spark of imagination, but something makes them want to play the spoons. So the Doctor grabs two of the spoon things, puts them in the right position and starts drumming them against their leg.

It makes a beautiful sound, and the Doctor is sure they have found a new hobby and a perfect stim, perfect because it is both a tactile and audible one. And they have great fun, drumming the spoons against their knee, changing the noise by hitting the spoons with the tips of their fingers, and even playing them across Mel’s shoulders and collar bone area—

At least until Mel swats their hands away, sending the spoons clattering to the floor. And the Doctor stares at her, wondering why they feel so hurt – and also wondering why Mel was so aggressive when they were doing nothing wrong. Doesn’t she like them very much?

But if she doesn’t like them, why does she travel with them? They are so confused. And more than a bit scared.

\---

In the search for a part desperately needed to fix the infernal machine, the Doctor and Mel head to the TARDIS. Mel seemed to want to go by herself, but the Doctor was desperate to go outside for a walk, so they headed off together. Plus, they were so relieved to discover that their TARDIS is here too; being stuck on a weird planet with no memory is slightly easier with the TARDIS here.

Mel walks fast, and the Doctor struggles to keep up as they walk through the bizarre looking landscape of a planet they definitely don’t remember. The problem is mainly their shoes; wearing shoes several sizes too big is making it quite hard to walk. Although the Doctor’s coordination problems do seem to be caused by something more than just big shoes.

At one point, they find a skeleton lying on the rocky ground. The Doctor goes to study it, noting that the skeleton is humanoid but has reptilian features, but Mel doesn’t seem to care. She explains that the skeleton is that of the Lakertyans, the alien race who live on this planet. And her tone is rather biting as she talks about how these aliens are lazy from the climate and never do anything to reach their full potential.

“Rather a harsh judgment, Mel,” they say.

“Not mime. _Yours_.” Mel says, and the Doctor feels horrified.

Did they really say that? Just what is it about this new regeneration? As Mel walks away, they keep staring at the skeleton.

“The more I know me, the less I like me,” they say sadly.

\---

Inside their TARDIS, the Doctor rushes to the wardrobe room. Regenerating may be an unpleasant experience, but they remember something about always rather enjoying the process to choosing new clothes. And so they hurrying around the large room, overwhelmed by choice and not having a clue about what they want to wear. All they really know is that they want clothes that fit properly, because wearing this outfit is very uncomfortable.

They try on various outfits, studying them all for comfortable textures so they don’t make them uncomfortable like this multicoloured outfit is doing. The Doctor pulls on a Napoleon outfit, walking around the room with their hand tucked inside their jacket and a large hat on their head. They know they look ridiculous, but they quite like wearing a hat.

As they continue to rummage through the clothes in this room, the Doctor finds things they remember from somewhere in the past: an old-fashioned cricket outfit, a smart suit with frilly cuffs, a huge fur coat that makes them look like a Yeti, and a coat and long scarf that absolutely drown them in fabric. They wonder if any of their previous incarnations wore these clothes, and then the fear hits them again, because why can’t they remember any of this for sure?

Eventually, the Doctor finds some things that seem to suit their new taste in fashion. They pull on a white shirt and brown tartan trousers, along with a pair of black and white shoes. A blue pullover patterned with question marks goes over the top, followed by a cream jacket with big pockets. Remembering their thought about hats, the Doctor pulls on a white hat, grinning at their reflection. And when they add a red tartan scarf around their neck (a nice reference to their accent), they know their outfit is complete.

But, just to be silly, the Doctor pulls on the huge fur coat over the top and walks over to Mel. She gives them a funny look, but then smiles when the Doctor pulls open the coat, revealing their new outfit.

“Very elegant,” Mel says, smiling.

The Doctor smiles and moves to look in the mirror. They are rather proud to say that they have regained their sense of fashion this time.

Mel tells them to stop preening, and to go and get what they came here for in the first place. And the Doctor slowly turns to look at her, and that is when something very strange happens. For a few seconds, they see a different face than hers, and they don’t know what is going on, or why they can suddenly remember a name beginning with R and a very dangerous person. In that moment, they are more confused and scared than they have been since the regeneration.

But then Mel smacks them hard across the face and the Doctor stumbles and smacks their face against the mirror. The pain makes them groan and they cover their face with their hand.

“I’m sorry,” Mel says, but she is smiling as though she didn’t just hit them around the face. “But you seem to be losing control.”

 _Control of what?_ the Doctor thinks, puzzled and hurt in more than one way as they look at Mel. Why did she just hit them?

“I was hallucinating,” they say, dazed and in pain from the stinging slap. “I had an overwhelming sense of evil. And there was a word,” the Doctor rambles, moving their fingers as they try to plaace what just came into their head. “Ra… Ra… Ra—”

“Radiation wave meter,” Mel says, getting them back on track again (but still seeming like she is dismissing their thoughts).

“Where do you reckon I’d keep it?” the Doctor asks, still feeling dazed.

Mel rolls her eyes. “Tool room.”

As the Doctor wanders off to find it, they think they hear Mel say, “Cretin.” But why would she call them that? Isn’t she supposed to be their friend?

Just what is going on here?

\---

Back in the TARDIS console room, the Doctor overhears Mel say the words: “The Rani.”

And something clicks back into place. They remember someone called the Rani! Although, given the sort of person she is, it isn’t a good thing that she has been spotted. The Doctor and Mel watch her on the view screen as she walks into a horrible trap, and they wonder why the Rani is dressed to look exactly like Mel.

When they arrive back at the lab with the equipment they needed, the Doctor asks Mel about this. Mel supposes that it is probably part of a scheme of the Rani’s. But Mel points out that she is dead now, so there is no point in worrying. But the Doctor can’t help but worry, mainly because it is harder to kill a Time Lord than Mel must think, but also because this planet is covered in deadly traps for some reason.

Just why are they working here?

\---

Soon after they return to the lab, the Doctor causes a minor explosion. Coughing and stumbling away from the smoke, they pick up their new hat, wondering why this thing is so difficult to fix.

They sit down on the steps, and can’t help but think about what happened to the Rani, dying because she stepped on her own trap. They feel a bit sorry for her, but Mel comments that she had no one to blame but herself. The Doctor looks at her, wondering how Mel can be so casual about someone who just died.

Mel thinks that the Rani must have been nearing some scientific breakthrough, but that just worries the Doctor. Because that would be dangerous, and they have never trusted people like her.

Mel gets them to their feet, leading them back to the machine. She says they should try and finish to stop whatever the Rani was planning, adding, “You’ve repeatedly said that in the wrong hands, scientific knowledge can be dangerous.”

The Doctor turns to look at her. “What scientific knowledge? What am I doing? If only I could remember?” they lament, wishing they could get their memory back. They gesture wildly with their hands, sick of feeling so confused.

“Don’t start all that again,” Mel says dismissively. She says to repair the machine, and then maybe they might find a solution.

The Doctor isn’t reassured. After all, the Rani might not even be dead. It is very difficult to kill a Time Lord. They point out how devious and dangerous the Rani is – was – and Mel comments that they have skilled diagnostic talents—

And then she says it’s a pity those talents aren’t focused on the machine, and shoves them towards it. The Doctor bangs their face on solid metal and groans in pain. Their hands start to flutter, trying to suppress the pain and their reaction to it. Why does Mel keep hurting them? Does she even care about them at all?

\---

The machine is almost working, except for a rather big mistake. The Doctor obviously used the wrong heat conducting material, breaking the Second Law of Thermodynamics and melting the sheet of it in the process. Their hands fumble with it as they try to take it out of the machine, needing Mel’s help to do it.

Mel forgets an important piece of knowledge about Thermodynamics, and the Doctor suddenly remembers something they always said about her: a memory like an elephant. If Mel has a photographic memory, then how did she forget about this? She supposes that the explosion damaged her memory too, but they are more confused than convinced.

But Mel says she can find a replacement, so she heads to find a new piece of heat conducting material. She closes the doors as she leaves, leaving the very confused Doctor stood in the lab, wondering what is going on in their life.

\---

Not that long later, the Doctor gets bored waiting for Mel to return. They decide to play the spoons again, only realising too late that hitting metal spoons against your head is a very painful decision.

Although it doesn’t hurt as much as that slap did earlier.

\---

As they bend forwards to look at the still broken machine, the Doctor hears someone enter the room. They look up to see a young woman wearing a pink shirt with red hair. A woman dressed like Mel, but she doesn’t look enough like her.

It must be the Rani!

“Where’s Mel!?” they yell, advancing on the woman.

“Where’s the Doctor?!” she yells back, backing away. “Stay away from me!”

Before the Doctor can react, she gets their arm in a grip and flings them to the floor. She pins their arm behind their back, and they grimace as the struggle, wondering why everyone today seems to want to hurt them.

They try to explain that they are the Doctor, but she doesn’t listen. The Doctor manages to get free of her grip and lifts her into the air, spinning her around and around. She screams a piercing scream and their ears want to implode.

When the Doctor puts her down, their voice is biting as they say, “Your pathetic impersonation doesn’t fool me at all.”

And they try to pull her wig off, but it doesn’t come. It must be her real hair. But…

The Doctor chases after the Rani, trying to catch her, but she stays on the other side of the table. They say how they told Mel all about her, but the Rani says she doesn’t know who she is, and the Doctor is so confused.

They offer a compromise, to feel each other’s pulses to know if they are Time Lords or not. But she isn’t impressed.

“Ah, the proof of the pumpkin’s in the squeezing!” they say, pointing a finger at her and realising a second too late that they messed up their words again. They have been saying these malapropisms ever since they regenerated, and it makes them feel like a fool to keep scrambling sayings when they talk.

“You don’t even talk like the Doctor, you miserable fraud!” she says, and that hurts in a way they don’t quite understand.

She calls them a lunatic (that hurts too), but the Doctor tries to explain.

“Yes, perhaps I am, because if you’re the Rani, I’m dicing with destruction,” they say, chasing her around the table again.

“And if I’m Mel?”

“Mel? The worst thing she’ll do is give me carrot juice,” the Doctor says, and they freeze. They suddenly recall something, of Mel making them drink carrot juice but their old self realising that he actually really liked it. “What made me think of that?”

They don’t know what to think or say. She starts to look really confused, eventually wondering if they might really be the Doctor after all. But she wonders why they look like this, and now how they did before, all blond curls and hideous jackets.

“I’ve regenerated,” the Doctor admits. They don’t know why it makes them feel ashamed to say, but it does.

They manage to get the woman to feel their pulses, the sensation rather weird when she puts cold fingers on their wrist. She seems delighted to feel their double pulse, but the Doctor needs to check hers first. They put their fingers against her wrist and…

And feel one heartbeat. And they stare at her, overwhelmed with such relief that they want to cry.

“Mel?” they say.

And Mel smiles.

But she still seems confused by their appearance, pointing out their new face and height and hair. “Everything’s changed.”

“Yes,” they say sadly, putting a hand on her shoulder. “And I’ve become more of a fool too, it seems, Mel.”

And they lean forwards and rest their foreheads together, a soft, caring gesture towards the friend they finally have back for real. They just can’t believe that this is the real Mel, and they feel such a fool for being tricked by the Rani. How could that have happened?

\---

They and Mel find an image of an asteroid made of strange matter, and the Doctor realises it is headed for this planet. They know how dangerous strange matter can be, and they know this must be part of the Rani’s plan. And they know they need to do something about this.

The Lakertyans help them escape the lab (the combination to their door was both their ages), but the Doctor doubles back inside once Mel has escaped to safety. They need to stay with the Rani, to know what is going on. Especially when they realise the Rani has a place for them alongside her other captured geniuses.

But when the Rani comes back, the Doctor can’t keep up the deception. The Rani realises that they now know who she is, and takes off her red wig and drops the act. But she tells them that they have another roll to play…

At least until the Doctor escapes.

They run for it, nearly tripping as they round a corner, trying to get away from her. It turns out that hiding down where the Tetraps live was a very bad idea (because the Tetraps just try to kill them), and they only manage to survive thanks to Beyus rescuing them.

But because he is a hostage, Beyus won’t totally help the Doctor. They know he will sell them out to the Rani for doing anything to her equipment, because he is scared of the repercussions for his people.

Which means that when the Doctor tries to steal the microthermistor from the machine (“I doubt if she’ll have a spare.”), Beyus isn’t about to let them leave with it. He chases them around the room, but the Doctor trips him with their umbrella. Beyus goes sprawling to the floor and guilt kicks the Doctor in the guts.

“I had no intention of hurting you,” they say, checking Beyus for injuries.

And then they run for it, leaving Beyus in a heap on the floor.

\---

The Doctor and Ikona head to the Centre of Leisure, where the Doctor makes an alarming discovery. If the Lakertyans disobey the Rani in any way, she can set a swarm of killer insects on them and kill them all.

And as if to prove the point, the insects are released whilst the Doctor is there. She only kills a few of them, but the Doctor gets the message clearly. If these people try to fight back, the Rani would have no problem committing genocide.

And they didn’t think it was possible, but they hate her even more now.

\---

The Rani has kidnapped Mel! She wants the microthermistor back, and they will only get Mel back if they give the Rani her equipment.

So the Doctor meets Mel and Urak outside the fortress, and Mel walks towards them as Ikona gives Urak the equipment he wanted. As Mel approaches, the Doctor opens their arms to embrace their friend, but Mel walks straight through them.

She is a hologram! The Rani tricked them.

The anger overwhelms them and the Doctor throws their hat to the floor. As they storm off, their hands flail again and they have to use all of their energy to stop themself crying.

\---

The Doctor needs to go back to find Mel. They try to sneak into the building (nearly falling over in the process), but are pounced on by a gang of Tetraps. And one of them pokes the Doctor in the neck with its long tongue and they feel their entire body go numb.

Their brain stays awake, but they have just been paralysed from the neck down. The Tetraps drag their rigid body inside the building and haul them inside one of the pods, the one with their name. And then someone puts some weird equipment over their head that hurts their ears, but then they get drowsy and they fall unconscious.

\---

The Doctor finds their mind connected to a load of others, most of which they recognise. They are all the geniuses the Rani captured, with one exception. It must be the main mind that is keeping them all together.

They all start talking their philosophy, and the Doctor realises they can interact with each other. And then they realise a way they can ruin the Rani’s plan.

They interrupt the others by talking complete gibberish, and soon the other voices are confused and nothing anyone says makes sense. And they know they have just damaged whatever she was trying to do.

And then someone disconnects them and they wake up in their pod. Mel opens the door and the Doctor jumps out. The pair of them trap the Rani inside, and then rush off to try and sort this all out.

The Doctor finally gets to see behind the hidden door, and finds a huge brain – and a rocket. The Rani must want to hit the strange matter asteroid with the rocket, to cause a supernova.

They are so confused. Just what is she trying to do?

“There’s a deeper motive, and the answer is _in here_!” they cry, banging their fists against their forehead with each word.

And then the Rani finds them. She finally explains the true nature of all of this, and the Doctor is horrified to learn that she wants to turn this planet into a time manipulator, a mass that can control and dominate time. She wants to redo evolution, to take Earth back to the time of the dinosaurs, to kill all life there and on Lakertya.

The brain starts working out calculations to finalise the launch, but it makes a mistake. The Doctor corrects it before they realise what they are saying, and they hate themself for accidentally aiding the Rani in her evil plan. The Doctor gasps and punches themself hard in the hand.

As the brain solves the problem, the Doctor and Mel make their escape. But before they can do anything else, they need to help the Lakertyans escape the new explosive tags put around their ankles. Mel rewires the technology so they can free themselves, and they rush back to the fortress. Mel takes the geniuses back to the safety of the TARDIS, whilst the Doctor rigs up the brain with the weird explosive ankle chains. They all run to safety, heading back to the TARDIS.

Even once the Rani realises what they have done, it is too late. And then Beyus stays behind to force the explosion to take place, sacrificing himself to save them all. When the Rani realises that she has lost, she escapes in her TARDIS (but the Doctor has a feeling that the Tetraps aren’t going to let her off that easily).

Thanks to what the Doctor and the others did (especially Beyus), the rocket misses the asteroid, saving the planet. The Doctor promises to return the geniuses to their own time, and they and Mel say goodbye to the Lakertyans. They are clearly sad to see them and Mel go, but the Doctor is so glad they managed to help them all.

And then they and Mel head into the TARDIS and leave Lakertyan behind.

\---

As they plot a course to Earth to return the human geniuses to their homes, the Doctor sits in the TARDIS console room. They find themself scrolling through the databank, trying to find a reason why they are so clumsy. Their amnesia is still there, and they wonder how long it will take for it to go away completely. And it is because of their amnesia that they don’t remember having this exact experience some time in the past.

So when they read about dyspraxia, it is like they are learning for the first time. And it certainly explains their clumsiness and lack of coordination. The Doctor smiles, glad they have an explanation for that.

Their gender is more difficult. Maybe because of their foggy brain or maybe not, the Doctor can’t for the life of them work out what their gender actually is. Which is when they scroll through the gender section and a word jumps out at them: gendervague.

It’s a nonbinary gender identity for neurodivergent people who feel their neurodivergence makes it difficult for them to understand or label their own gender. And they know they might change their mind in the future, but the Doctor likes that label right now. So they memorise the word gendervague and set off to find Mel and tell her about their discovery.


End file.
